I shouldn't have done that
I shouldn't have done that
cause I can't breath now
like a real panic attack
I've never had that before
its so hard to breath
like a weight on my chest
and nothing will stop
the thing that triggered all this
was looking at the past
theres this searing pain in my chest
or maybe my heart
but whatever it is I feel like
like I could die
this is insane....
all because I looked at the past
this is fucking insane
I've stopped looking now
all I had to do was keep repeating
that this is insane
and look away from photos
and any other reminders
but I still don't get it....
how could I panic from that past...
maybe its what I've done?
or rather maybe what I didn't do?
no thats not right either
its more like the consequences of my past actions

I couldn't sleep all night....again....
this is becoming "normal"
my inability to sleep
last night I think my problem was having to go to the doctors with hitomi today
sigh she needs to go to get morning after pills.....
this is not cool....I'm meeting her for lunch at one and then we're going to the doctors
I mean have you ever heard of anyone being allergic to condoms??
well apparently she is and so she has unprotected sex....
well rather has been for over a year now....
anyway one of the guys she's been sleeping with has finally left for indonesia
actually both the guys she's been sleeping with are soccer players
anyway so one of them left last weekend and she was quite sad
because she doesn't just sleep with them apparently
sigh....thats all I can say....
so anyway she's going to be seeing the other guy next week some time
and obviously she's going to sleep with him and according to her next week is like an unsafe time for her so she needs to get morning after pills........
this is totally screwed up......

I was so stressed today I actually completely forgot about brit...
this is the first time in a long time....
but anyway the reason being that the place my halls halloween bash was being held at
supperclub, alot of shit happened
like three fights occurred though didn't involve my people
the last fight was so bad the guy was bleeding everywhere
the police got involved....
so the club closed early cause of that
so our last bus back left around 4:10 instead, was a bit scary with all the blood
I mean it was alot
surprised I couldn't smell the iron with that much blood
but then again the club was crowded everything smelt like alcohol and cigarettes
sigh making sure everyone was safe etc....
that was like the worst bash my hall has ever had, seriously...
oh well its over and I've eaten supper now so I think I'll head to bed
going to try and meet hitomi for a late lunch around 4
theres like all kinds of bad stuff going on right now
and I should really really be there for her right now

Before I forget....
I'm really confused now, because I couldn't record down this dream that I had last weekend when I was at home, so some of the details are a big vague
and the thing that doesn't make sense is that this dream I don't think could ever come true
anyway here goes with what I remember, though mainly it was just feelings and such and images
so I was with some guy and like one or two other people
and we were some where where I was suppose to be protecting him
he was being hunted and we were in a land that I knew so I was there to make sure no harm came his way
but you see the strangest thing is that I'm pretty certain we liked each other
I'm not sure if the guy is brit or if he's someone else
anyway there are alot of images of crawling through the mud
its like its world war three or something, and the guy is important
like military information or something
the last image that I have is us hiding higher up in a high at night and theres a river down below and before this we had been at some feast, like a wedding or celebration or something and then the boats carrying the bad men came
so we had to run and hide up higher
the last thing I remember is that the men down below were not asian, but the thing is that I feel like we were in asia somewhere, so maybe this was world war three....who knows....
they were carrying machine guns and had come prepared to kill
the fleeting feelings I remember right before waking is that I was calm, as if this was normal
as if being shot at meant nothing, like this was an everyday occurrence, which then makes me kind of sad....

hmm....I just figure out I have a guilty pleasure....
hahaha nah, its nothing over the top
just a guy, thats all
I know I may be pining after, hmmm....I should give him a name....
ok, I'll call him brit since he's from there
so yea, I know I may be pining after brit
but this guy makes me smile
I'll tell you the worst part of all of this
we barely know each other and I've only known him for a little over a week
we've only spoken on two days, the first was during architours
and the second today when I needed to print stuff
I mean we know each others names and a little bit
but otherwise thats it
I've never had full out proper conversation with him
plus he's my senior, he's year 4 and a singaporean so he's probably about 24 this year
but yea...hmm....he made this comment during our brief conversation
"I's trust you with my model"
now for an archi student that is really big because your model is your life
as in lets say your wrists or neck is slit, your last thought would be
"oh no don't get blood on my model"
and you'd most likely try to die in a way that nothing would disturb your work
so I mean....what implications does that comment hold?
I really have no clue......I mean I can swear that we have a connection of some sort, but just what kind?

don't know what to do....
you haunt me in my dreams and in my waking hours till I'm in the throes of projects
those stressed moments are the only time you aren't there
where I can't feel you
where I can breath normally
I've spent another sleepless
wondering what you think of me
to a boy I've known for over two years
I think I love you, as david cassidy once sang
because why else do I long for your touch? long for you kiss?
I sit here crying like a helpless babe all because of you
all because you most likely love another, and can't even tell I exist
all because you broke up with your long term girlfriend
all because you fell in love with your rebound girl
all because you had your heart broken by both of them
all because you've most likely moved on and found someone else by the time I write this
all because I think I love you
all because you make me want to hold you tight and pick up the pieces they made
all because you are you

hahaha I got hair extension!!!!
so now I have a purple streak in my hair!!!!!!!!
lalala~~* my brother was like you should have done a more outstanding color
but then I was like, well its an extension and not my real hair so I can just easily change it!
but its so cool!!!!!
PURPLE!!!!!!!

......omg you'll never believe what happened at dinner on tuesday night....
so after monday night's amazing dream...
on tuesday I went home for dinner, its been quite a while since I've been back even though they're so close
and for some reason my father all of a sudden mentioned that I'd most likely marry a british person....
I mean this was only a couple hours after I'd woken up from my dream so I was like.....
wtf.....how in the world is that possible
and I mean it, he actually said I'd most likely marry someone british
he didn't say american, he didn't say singaporean, he didn't say chinese
he fucking said british....
how in the world is that even possible?
I mean my god.....I was like......
and that was all I could think about till of course I worked 13 hours straight to make it in time for my deadline on thursday and this is after 5 hours of dance practice....>.<" was so tired had dance from 8pm till 1am.....
I've sprained my ankle and back right now from such a long practice =_="
hahaha but anyway I still can't shake the reality of the dream
am I getting my hopes up?
is it to much to wish for??
I do like him...
but still we rarely talk except when he's back here.....
if I do go to the uk for my exchange in two years what do I do?
two years is a long ways off....
and he'll probably of found another girl...
damn his stupid rebound girl whom he fell in love with....
why did he have to do that....
it makes me feel like I have no chance because she was perfect
she was smart, funny, beautiful, independent...
everything I wish to aspire to be one day....
damn I want that dream to be a reality so bad....
I almost feel like bursting from the mixed emotions that have ravaged me since I met him
its been over two years since our strange duet began....
I'm pretty sure he initially thought of me as some dumb, naive child
but now I'm almost 100% certain he's surprised at how I've changed....
I hope he notices....
I want so much for him to notice....

omg I don't know how it happened, but it did
let me record this down as proof before I forget
so generally all the dreams I've ever had so far have come true
I mean it may be months or years later
but they've always come true for me
and the moment they happen you get that deja vu moment
so the dream I just had that I didn't want to wake up from
it was actually one of the most interesting and happiest I've ever had
you know the guy I was talking about that keeps pulling me both ways
well he's most likely gone back to the uk by this time, so I probably won't see him again till either around march or july next year
so anyway my dream....
it seems weird to me because he's never acted that way towards me
but still for some reason it made me incredibly happy
the exact events are hazy now
but the most important bit is this, I was with him
I mean in every way possible, we were attached and very very serious
the main thing I remember is that he never let go of my hand the whole time
and oddly it was he who kept pulling me towards him
but there was absolute bliss, like everything was fine with the world and nothing terrible could happen
he would jokingly tease me, then pull me in for a kiss
its hard to remember everything, but the most important bit is that I remember the feelings, and that we were most definitely in love, there was the giddy happiness, lounging in bed, the disbelief that we'd finally found each other.
I mean damn, I haven't ever felt the happiness I was feeling in that dream, it was so real, so tangible, I can still almost feel his hand in mine, still almost feel his arms around me
I'm really in deep shit now, because I will forever remember that moment and long for it for as long as I live
hahaha I may become some old spinster now with hundreds of cats
because I want that dream to be so damn real it almost hurts to breath
I don't know if this one dream will ever come true, all my others have so far, including this one I had about a dungeon, which was the fire and ice dragon roller coaster in orlando universal theaters
I want this one to be so damn real
so badly do I want this I don't think I could ever really truly look at any other guys ever again
damn that idiot for completing me and damn me for dreaming such an amazing dream
damn it all

Dai was nice enough to come back from australia to singapore for his one week break
so it was another awesome un night this year! hahaha we ate alot of food!
it was lovely to be back in the same atmosphere, even asuka admitted that it was nice
sigh my current site is pandan reservoir.....I can't count how many times I've visited the site....
its so ulu....
my program is inconspicuous details....
so I need to figure out how to frame....like I was thinking of either going with a bench/shelter style or a random-ish wall that offers shade and almost literal framing of little details.....
but I'm not totally pleased with either....oh well it shall be another sleepless night of trying to finish up sections and plans.....
though I really can't pick a specific area on the site quite yet....
ahhhhhhhhhh............
I want summer vacation back.........
sigh....
I want something good that'll just sweep me off my feet and make everything better
or not necessarily better, but just something that'll make me want to do more
something that will push me to be better....
though I haven't found it yet...
I'm not giving up hope

so....I have two major assignments due on friday and yet I can sit here and write....
yea this totally does not make sense, but nevermind
anyway I haven't posted anything much in a while
so I thought why not I'll be angsty and teenagery since I only have a few month left of it
so here goes....
the only thing thats remotely working out in my life is architecture
I have been asked hundreds of times in the last few months if I'm attached and its finally getting to me
my answer will always be no, but the fact that people bring it up make me feel like....crap
because they then go on and on about how they're attached and their friends who are attached.....
then of course they go into the, oh wait.....you don't have a girlfriend right?
cause your fb says....well....cause I think thats a girl....so I mean its fine if you prefer girls
sometimes having conversations with people is just plain annoying
I will state my honest answer here and now, I like guys, I really like guys
except for one girl.....who I would change the world for if I could....
honestly....I don't consider myself gay, because its only just her
the thing is that its not a physical attraction
its more like she's someone I could spend the rest of my life with
she makes me want to protect her and be there for her
and well I like her for just making me like her
obviously she has her down days, which then drag me down as well
but when she's really happy, I know its a cliche but I'm walking on sunshine
she makes me feel wonderful, invigorated and just glad to be alive
damn it....
I want to feel happy so damn bad
to just be fucking cheerful on both the inside and the out
and yes....I wish I didn't swear like a sailor....but I do
I've decided to just be plain honest with myself
of course my parents haven't got a clue
about both things I mean....
hahaha who the hell would tell my pious mother who looks on disapprovingly since I refuse to get involved in church, while I swear my father is losing his mind, now I don't mean his memory, but he just ranks about random things and mood swings up and down constantly
they are definitely people I can't tell
not to be mean but my father doesn't know shit about anything in my life
while my mother only knows the tip of the ice berg
I think the main issue is that they're getting old....
but then this makes me think damn I'm getting old...
damn.....I shouldn't be thinking that when I'm only turning 20.....

I just felt like remembering this day 8 years ago
september 11th has just passed and all of a sudden it made me think back
that day was almost like any other except that the world stopped
or at least all the world turned their televisions to the news and watched with wide eyes as hundreds suffered and died
all because they worked in america in two iconic towers
at first for me it didn't seem like it had happened yet due to the time differences between singapore and america
but when I got to school, it was a completely different place
I was at SAS at that time
and so there was no school
instead we watched with wide eyes the news in every classroom on hundreds of television screens
knowing what was happening but not fully comprehending
I was 11, there are some things you just can't fully get at that age
there were moments of absolute silence throughout the day
not as many children played on the play ground except for the younger ones
I vaguely remember a candle service and many talked about those they had lost
I also remember the almost stories, of the people who had missed their flights
or their usual train to work, or accidentally sleeping in
the people who on any typical day shouldn't have survived but did
the one image I do remember most from that day was the clip of those who jumped out of the buildings "trying" to survive.
that one video will stay with me my whole life and had completely changed my view of suicide.
I've never met anyone directly linked to that day yet
but who knows, one day maybe and I don't know, I may just go up to them and give them a hug

as the title suggests I'm really fucked up
like seriously to no end
I think I've dug my own grave.....
omg....
like I just got back from a friends gig
and well like first we took his parents home
cause he finished around almost 12 midnight
then he invited me to a poker game, so I said yes, cause they were lacking people
but when we got there there were like 8 guys, and he was afraid for me cause he said some of them are like dicks etc.
so he took me to near tanglin mall so I could catch a cab....anyway at his gig, was his family and some family friends basically, I was kind of his only friend from school days there......it was weird cause while he sang I was talking to his parent's friends....yea.....
so now I truly believe I'm fucked up because I did over drink a little, and I'm sure my exhaustion and not eating much lately probably didn't help
so I know I was tipsy at his gig, but I think no one noticed, cause I didn't turn red....
but yea.....shit....this stupid guy....
he's been pulling me both ways for about 7 months now
like sometimes he totally burns me by saying "you don't know me"
but then other times he just randomly out of the blue invites me to gigs or just calls me at like 1am to borrow something....
I'm seriously at the end of my tether....I don't know what he wants from me....
he's been telling me for months to go sleep with someone, but then I've been saying no...
then a few weeks ago the realization hit me....
if there was anyone I'd like to sleep with its him....
this is why I'm messed up and he's turned my world topsy turvy.....
he was someone I was well not exactly disgusted by but well....he's not generally someone I'd choose as a friend.....
and then he just kind of stuck around.....every time I thought I was over his feats of idioticy he always rings me up or texts me......
I'm stuck on this repeat cycle.....I honestly have no clue what to do.....
cause right now I'm still tipsy and wish to burst into tears.....
sometimes he makes me feel like shit but other times he makes me feel like gold.......
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I need to be released......and soon.........

ahhhhhh found this awesome singer on utube who does covers plus writes his own music!
I love his midnight angels song (^_^)
anyway prefab foc is over, was fun! I was an orientation group leader!
lalala~~* there was one girl in my group from my secondary school and in the class next door
so it was fun but now I'm her senior, hahaha so weird
oh I fell down!
hahaha like really bad that I sprained both my wrists and then had bloody cuts on my palm and knee
the pain was totally worth our fight to come in second for amazing race!
oh my og was so into everything! like we had a talent show on the last night and they decided to do a dance and they practiced the night before for 8 hours, from like 7pm till 3am, quite cute!
oh evil evil sean was mean to me!
he kept making fat jokes which is not cool!
todays paintball got postponed to next weekend
then worked on rag till midnight
lalala~~*
back in hall again this year
oh and then I'm an orientation group leader for my halls foc!
shall be fun I think, torturing the freshies!
well not really torturing
my archi og said I was like their mother even though I was younger then the guys
oh well!
oh which reminds me!!!
kelly my rock climbing coach is in the process of trying to have kids!!!
so we're all excited cause then we can babysit!!!!!!
lalala~~*
oh yea thailand for another year of rock climbing was awesome!!!!!!
I really miss the hippie vibe there
and I still have not managed to convince my parents that dreadlocks would be good for me.....
meh evil father keeps saying no
oh I've started trying to learn poi!
the thai fire dance!
quite cool!
though I'm sure there will be no time once school properly starts
evil anna won't be back to singapore till after school starts
and no one has heard from nyssa
hmmmm.......
nothing else to report I don't think?
oh I'm going to japan again in december since my cousin has a skating competition there then!
so quite excited
oh and we have tickets to the OLYMPICS!!!!!!
very very excited!!!!
we have for both short and long program
so next year during chinese new year we're going to vancouver!!!
lalala~~* all the tickets are bought for the plane and everything
EXCITED!!!!
oh oh we've all managed to convince hitomi she needs to dump the soccer player, since they aren't really together and he still has a girlfriend in japan
even though they really like each other, he isn't really the most stable person
cause her biggest fear is that he could so easily cheat on her when she goes back to uny like he is on his current girlfriend with her that she won't commit even though he's asked her to be official with her
but anyway she may then instead officially go out with another soccer player from the team who just broke up with his "weird" girlfriend and is totally hitting on hitomi
so poor her, sigh she's getting all the guys
hahaha but its always been like this so who am I to complain???
meh I just wish I was a guy cause then we'd be together and I'd never let her cry or worry like some of her ex's and current love interests
its so infuriating cause I would give the world to her if possible
she's just so dear to me
that I would figure out a way to wipe out the male race so she never has to worry about them....
ok this has just turned into ramblings now......
meh I shall leave this jumbled mess of thoughts to dissect another time.....

dude I heard that the other day and like its deep
anyway got back from the states on tuesday morning at like 1am
was gone for about a month
twas fun! seeing my cousin graduate from high school
also meeting my oldest cousins fiance, she'll be the first to get married at the end of this year, though I think she's been together with kent for about 6 years or so, but yea its fun
saw alot alot of cousins, pretty cool
nothing really important happened over the holidays except I have my drivers permit now
so I can drive if there's someone with a license in the car

oh hitomi kind of basically had an emotional breakdown
so now she's back in singapore for the rest of the year,
she's transferring to monash's melbourne branch since before she was in gibslan,
which apparently is just crap
so yep
she's seeing a hypnotherapist and she's also having some quantum therapy done
though she's thinking of transferring to nus, so I'm kind of happy
though not about her breakdown
which has to do mainly with guys and some random allergic reactions and other stresses
basically she's like all guys suck cause they just want to sleep with her by pretending to be friends first and then totally hitting on her and feeling her up all the time, so even though she has found someone she totally connects with and I'm pretty sure to a certain degree so far she actually might love him, but because of bad experiences with the idiotic male race she doesn't want to commit
the age difference means nothing, cause from the stories she tells me he's amazing
I think theres maybe 10 years separating them, which may explain why she gets along with cause he's quite older, but he's good for her. really good, he takes care of her and knows everything about her, somehow she is just able to pour her heart out to him like me, so she's happy to just talk to him
though she's very self conscious about the rest of the japanese society in singapore cause apparently withing their circles he's quite famous and everyone keeps staring at them cause they have an intimate relationship that no one really knows about, but obviously they're kind of obvious that they're sort of together in some way. so basically all of the guy's fans if they find out will apparently like hunt her down, and alot of the older women are starting to be scarier to her and some won't talk to her

oh something I found out that totally blows my mind, and no one can ever know is that ava
I'm not sure if anyone remembers her, but sweet innocent ava, the "little girl" who is pretty fluent in japanese, grew up in california and stayed in the boarding house for a semester while she waited for the rest of her family to come
the thing is that she actually slept with her boyfriend of one month who she apparently cares nothing for and doesn't even really know him besides his name and what he's studying
thats slightly scary, cause then saya said to her "if you don't care about him or even bother to get to know him why sleep with him??? this just means you can sleep with the next one and the one after that!" while she also basically stated to ava which this is what pissed ava off is that basically she's a whore if she can sleep with someone who's practically a stranger

I don't know dude....uny has messed up alot of people....saya sleeping with her boyfriend and just non-stop partying where she basically failed the first year of university but managed to barely pass cause she could get credit from her IB classes....daiki, who's now your typical jap boy who's vain and doesn't care anymore about miki the love of his life, they're perfect for each other if you've seen them and he's basically throwing her out the window now.....and omg....so many more

their sad stories of messing up their futures

hahaha bintan was awesome!!!!!!!
I SAW JELLYFISH AND DOLPHINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yea while we were sailing the catamaran we ran into both!!! it was awesome!!
so anyway nana and I took turns steering and all since we were the only two with any experience
but anyway it was fun
we woke up whenever, played in the pool had smoothies
junk food, just a great time!
so anyway we've decided that it will be an annual trip as well!!!!
lalala~~*

so anyway I leave for the states tomorrow!!!
I'm excited!!!! I'm going home!!!
my cousin's high school graduation is this weekend so I'm excited!!
especially since he's going to university
on my mothers side of the family she has the highest degree with a masters
anyone who went only did a bachelors
and I mean this is my mothers entire side of the family like distant cousins and everyone
its actually a big deal to go to uny so yea!!!!
then we're going to be in san francisco for a bit to see my dads side of the family who we haven't seen in almost 5 years!!!!
like so long!!!!!!!
plus I promise to get my drivers license this summer!!!!

oh anyway was at the airport today till a little after midnight, so like 3 hours ago
cause we were sending anna off to go back to switzerland to see her family
so nyssa(archi), dai(uwc), mary(anna's sister), allan(eusoff) and me went!!
so yea cause allan and anna have a thing for each other
the other 4 of us were like hiding to give them alone time together
but apparently anna didn't have "the TALK" with him so meh....
their relationship will never bear fruit.....
which then made us sad, but glad cause allan is still indecisive so anna holds him at arms length
cause when she was leaving he was totally going to give her a hug but she kind of didn't walk into his arms...so it was quite frustrating for us to watch and be like "NOOOOOO" meh meh meh
but anyway afterwards we all sat and like talked for 4 hours!!! hahaha

(GRUESOME IMPORTANT BIT)
we just talked about random stuff and then we discussed mary's problem
of her creepy stalker ex
who no seriously is being bad
they broke up before their graduation but she rescinded cause he guilted her into it so that he wouldn't be "alone" for graduation which then made us all go like =_="
hahaha anyway so then they broke up which she did because the guy is quite creepy!!!
he's like the jock that controlled the school type person who manipulates everyone behind the scene but puts up a "good boy" front so no one suspects him
so the entire school adores him, but he always picks fights and beats up people
so anyway all of mary's guy friends stopped talking to her or meeting her or anything because he must have threatened them or something because there just isn't any other explanation
she said her ex kind of liked glared at the guys
so anyway she also didn't really like him but only agreed to go out with him because he seemed cool till she found out about his creepyness
so at first the ex was ok with it all and they parted mutually so she went back to switzerland
anyway though while she was away her ex apparently started attending her church so that when she came back to singapore she couldn't tell him to get lost
cause now he also controls her cell group such that they are all turning against her and are actually trying to convince her to get back with him
and she's like no because I don't like him and they actually blame her for the breakup but she really didn't like the guy, she never wanted to hold his hand or anything which just pissed him off even more
so anyway now that he knows she's back in singapore for a bit he's been stalking her such as just randomly appearing at her house and then keeps trying to get the cell to meet at her house etc. just anything so that he can try and talk to her
when you hear her talk about it the guy really creeps you out
but anyway the thing is that no one believes her that this guy is totally not a good person because in front of everyone he acts the part of a saint
so anyway now he's using church as a way to threaten her such that she doesn't go anymore but to her friends churches
she's told this guy no a million times but he's still chasing her even though he's reassured her that he only just wants to be friends with her, though she's totally not comfortable with him
anyway its to the point now where she's even afraid for her life, that this guy will come after her and beat her up or something, cause she said he's threatened her....
but still no one believes her except us now, which is allan, nyssa, dai and me and well obviously her sister anna
I mean if I wasn't leaving tomorrow I would totally find this guy and just beat him up if I could
to go to the point of possibly causing domestics violence is just totally unacceptable
he's apparently in ocs right now, so I thought that kind of person would have more morals then this
no offense to those who have to go through ns but this guy just makes you all look bad
if he's willing to use religion to get his way and beat up girls I WOULD NEVER EVER trust him in the army to save my life
actually after this I WOULD NEVER trust the army to protect me if alot of their people are like this
I would rather rely on my own self defense or just die
I mean not to be harsh but the trust is broken here

ahhhhhhh cute guy!!!!!
hahaha he was nice and sweet plus cute!!!
I met him today at the fitting at newurbanmale
he was fun and made my boring task of just being there more fun!
we had this whole discussion which ended up with him highly emphasizing that he wasn't gay
and I have no idea, but maybe he was trying a pick up line? hahaha not that I mind
but anyway so apparently newurbanmale has some signature style of shirt
that has this really long strap at the back so that you can take off the shirt and sling it over your shoulder
so anyway I asked him its uses, so he told me the normal and then he talked about this one
where like if you were wearing this shirt while dancing you could place it around the girl you were dancing with
oh just so you know I'd never been in a newurbanmale store before, only vaguely heard of it
so yea it was interesting to talk to him...hmm....
though on hindsight I realize that maybe I talked more about myself then he did
though he did talk about the store and its clothing more then any talking I did
he's been working there 2 years, but yea, he was fun!!
hahaha
hopefully when I go to pick up the order tomorrow I'll get to see him
lalala~~*
ahhh why do I put myself up for disappointment.....
I'm pretty certain this is all in my head but it feels nice to just maybe be wanted....
so anyway I'm working on the envelopes that are our door gifts....
meh theres 250 envelopes which I have to all draw lines on
and then still stamp them all with D&D'09 Time & Again.....
so far I'm 1/5th through and its taken me like 2 hours......not cool
oh for D&D I've got this black dress which I think is nice and suits me so I'm happy!!
my other choice was to wear a yukata!
lalala~~* though nigel did say nothing weird since we're the main comm we all have to wear formal black.....

Come on , yeah!

Well it's been seven years since that summer
Why'd you call me at all 'cause I'm with her now
You know you were hard to get over
I finally forgot our first time somehow

Hey
Don't bring it all back to me
Hey
I know this is hard to see

You know, that summer we smoked in the sun
You know, it's only because we were young
And we promised to always remember
That we'd wind up together forever
But looking back we sure had some fun
A summer lost in the sun

No I don't think it's right that I see you
I'm tempted but taken I'm with her now
Just get over me baby you need to
If you don't we'll end up in a mess somehow

Hey
Don't bring it all back to me
Hey
I know this is hard to see

You know, that summer we smoked in the sun
You know, it's only because we were young
And we promised to always remember
That we'd wind up together forever
You know after all that was said it was done
You know we believed it because we were young
And we promised to always remember
That we'd wind up together forever
Lookin' back we sure had some fun
Summer lost in the sun

I'm going under getting over you
I fooled myself by thinking we were through

You know that summer was smoked in the sun
You know it's only because we were young
And we promised to always remember
That we'd wind up together forever
You know after all that was said it was done
You know we believed it because we were young
And we promised to always remember
That we'd wind up together forever

Well, it's been seven years since that summer
Why'd you call me at all 'cause I'm with her now
You know you were hard to get over
But I finally forgot our first time somehow

Lookin' back we sure had some fun
Summer lost in the sun

Oh yeah..

ahhhhhh finals.....
next week.....no!!!!!!!
hahaha well I'm currently trying to finish up my portfolio...
sadly I'm being distracted by many things >.<"
one of them being Tommy's new song!!!!!
its totally awesome and titled "Vertigo"
its almost impossible to believe I'll be in my second year soon...
ahhhhhh where did the time fly????
which reminds me!!!
I rediscovered something from my secondary school days
Xian Jian Qi Xia Chuan!!!!!!!!!!
hahaha or rather known as Chinese Paladin!!!
hahaha I use to find the show oddly hilarious and I loved it, I would make sure I was home in time everyday to watch
which reminds me urgh I had an allergic reaction to something over the last week
absolutely horrible, but no clue what it is -_-" lol
oh well, hahaha I realize I mainly ramble, lalala~~*
rambling is fun!!!
the new microsoft word is fun to play with!!! the docx one!!! its got fun new features that are distracting!!! hahaha I just realized that everything is distracting when I should be studying....hmmm....
oh well!!!! oh oh summer plans!!! sailing in bintan in may, then back to the states for a month and of course our annual rock climbing trip to krabi!!! oh plus tommy and his brother charlie are coming this time round!!!!! so excited!!!!!! except sad that jonathan can't make it....he'll be the only one...
oh which also reminds me that I'm going to be very sad with the current grade 12s leaving >_<"
its totally not cool cause then I'll be left alone again.....and no one wants to come to NUS....meh...
plus my primary and secondary class mates will be joining NUS next year
but talked to some and most don't want to stay here =_=" not fun....not fun....I want to see people I've known for a long time.....
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......wait.........
secondary school........that was......4 years ago.......not cool!!!!!! hahaha it feels like a lifetime
I mean even this one year feels like 10 years....or wait....even longer!!!!!!
plus I'm sad.....hito-chan is in australia.......
sigh....and evil guys keep hitting on her even though she says no.....
ahhhhhhh I'm not there to protect her and help her....
meh.....I feel so....helpless....all I can do is write her e-mails to cheer her on and give her advice......
I want....I don't know....
I want to not be here.....at one point I wanted to live in europe....
but....I don't know....I can't imagine living somewhere other then singapore....
but I do want to go back to the states and maybe try it for a year or two....
I mean peoples big things were going to the city....but I want the country....
like maybe if my aunt really gets that job in texas and her family moves back there....
well....my grandparents house would be quite empty....
maybe they'd like me to come....it would be interesting....
a thought to chew for a few more years......
you know....I realized something....I will never be some world renowned architect....
I just don't have that spark....I may have a flare....but that is all....no spark that could start a new school of design....
I'm old fashioned...nooooo theres something wrong....why why why??? I stick with known forms and geometry and stupid bloody symmetry....I love victorian architecture as well as the prairie style...I love what has been and so thus am so caught up in what has been that I will never be able to create a to be....I am just standard....just average.....no one will ever "discover" me....I will never be featured nor seen.......
on one hand that disturbs me....but on the other it perversely pleases me.....to always be an unknown......maybe on the brink of making it....
but then what becomes of me??? my person??? hahaha I've known my whole life I would never marry....and no I'm being serious, some people know that they'll find the one while I am pretty certain I won't....my dream is unachievable....plus I totally lack social skills now with the whole living in studio thing....I've never dreamed of a wedding, while looking back at old diaries I discovered my future self I hoped to achieve was always alone....off doing something she loved
which I'm totally fine with, hahaha often my only companions were a horse and dog, how obscured yet true my ideas were....even now...when I think of where I will live and how....it is alone, I realize that no...I could never handle another person, as immature as it may seem its true....I hate other people's messes yet feel the urge to clean it up myself.....my room will be a messy chaos but the rest will be kept in strict order....I can cook and clean for one......yes....I will be alone, but I fear not what that holds, I'll play my music loud, dance till it doesn't make sense and just...be...me...
ahhhhhh anyone who use to know me have admitted I'm completely changed except for my cheerful outlook.....my mother is amazed at what has happened....
apparently my writing style has drastically matured.....odd.....one would think life would remain....unchanging unknown
hahaha my rambles oh well....I leave you with this I learned from a fine friend

"I put my hands around my head on the bus on my way home...god! the terrible feeling. I felt....the size of my consciousness. No bigger than which my hands encompassed. How insignificant! How...easy to destroy! How worthless were each and every other man's mind, that were on the bus as well."

hahaha there must be something wrong with me, my research paper is due in a little over 12 hours but I've totally not started writing it...hmm....
oh well....
wednesday is climate response presentation...shit....I wonder what my groups done, though our report I think kicked ass!!
hahaha hmmm thursday is the second re-do of our one week sketch....
oh and friday is archi construction project from our one week sketch due...
so last week of school of my first year is busy
but interesting as architecture of course rules your whole life that we even have an assignment due during the exam period just because erwin felt like it....................
evil I tell you, evil........
hahaha the endless days of sleeplessness are totally awesome though
I mean like youtube what archi students do when bored and its totally hilarious!!
oh when in doubt just dance!
who cares whos watching but its so much fun!!!
oh I may be moving home next year, but nothing confirmed
my father went and pulled some strings to see if I could stay in hall again next year
cause I have 45 CCA points but the cutoff this year was 51 =_="
totally not cool, especially after nyssa was totally ripping at me about it
meh, so he pulled strings cause he felt so sorry for me that it sounds like I will be able to stay next year
hahaha he must be god or something, oh well!
mergh....archi is hard but I still love it...hmmm a B- average I guess is ok....right?
hahaha its first year where you got to get use to stuff....
lalala~~* oh I HATE cross faculty modules with a vengence!!!!!
its not cool, I swear they think archi students have alot of free time or something....not cool
anyway I shall go try and work on my research paper....meh....meh....meh....