urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet ngpoet ngpoet 2009-11-04T02:03:01Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:21059 2009-11-04T02:03:01Z 2009-11-04T02:03:01Z I shouldn't have done that<br />I shouldn't have done that<br />cause I can't breath now<br />like a real panic attack<br />I've never had that before<br />its so hard to breath<br />like a weight on my chest<br />and nothing will stop<br />the thing that triggered all this <br />was looking at the past<br />theres this searing pain in my chest<br />or maybe my heart<br />but whatever it is I feel like<br />like I could die<br />this is insane....<br />all because I looked at the past<br />this is fucking insane<br />I've stopped looking now<br />all I had to do was keep repeating <br />that this is insane<br />and look away from photos <br />and any other reminders<br />but I still don't get it....<br />how could I panic from that past...<br />maybe its what I've done?<br />or rather maybe what I didn't do?<br />no thats not right either<br />its more like the consequences of my past actions urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:20938 2009-11-04T01:12:43Z 2009-11-04T01:12:43Z I couldn't sleep all night....again....<br />this is becoming "normal"<br />my inability to sleep<br />last night I think my problem was having to go to the doctors with hitomi today<br />sigh she needs to go to get morning after pills.....<br />this is not cool....I'm meeting her for lunch at one and then we're going to the doctors<br />I mean have you ever heard of anyone being allergic to condoms??<br />well apparently she is and so she has unprotected sex....<br />well rather has been for over a year now....<br />anyway one of the guys she's been sleeping with has finally left for indonesia<br />actually both the guys she's been sleeping with are soccer players<br />anyway so one of them left last weekend and she was quite sad<br />because she doesn't just sleep with them apparently<br />sigh....thats all I can say....<br />so anyway she's going to be seeing the other guy next week some time<br />and obviously she's going to sleep with him and according to her next week is like an unsafe time for her so she needs to get morning after pills........<br />this is totally screwed up...... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:20589 2009-10-30T22:40:23Z 2009-10-30T22:40:23Z I was so stressed today I actually completely forgot about brit...<br />this is the first time in a long time....<br />but anyway the reason being that the place my halls halloween bash was being held at<br />supperclub, alot of shit happened<br />like three fights occurred though didn't involve my people<br />the last fight was so bad the guy was bleeding everywhere<br />the police got involved....<br />so the club closed early cause of that<br />so our last bus back left around 4:10 instead, was a bit scary with all the blood<br />I mean it was alot<br />surprised I couldn't smell the iron with that much blood<br />but then again the club was crowded everything smelt like alcohol and cigarettes<br />sigh making sure everyone was safe etc....<br />that was like the worst bash my hall has ever had, seriously...<br />oh well its over and I've eaten supper now so I think I'll head to bed<br />going to try and meet hitomi for a late lunch around 4<br />theres like all kinds of bad stuff going on right now<br />and I should really really be there for her right now urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:20357 2009-10-30T08:58:21Z 2009-10-30T08:58:21Z Before I forget....<br />I'm really confused now, because I couldn't record down this dream that I had last weekend when I was at home, so some of the details are a big vague<br />and the thing that doesn't make sense is that this dream I don't think could ever come true<br />anyway here goes with what I remember, though mainly it was just feelings and such and images<br />so I was with some guy and like one or two other people<br />and we were some where where I was suppose to be protecting him<br />he was being hunted and we were in a land that I knew so I was there to make sure no harm came his way<br />but you see the strangest thing is that I'm pretty certain we liked each other<br />I'm not sure if the guy is brit or if he's someone else<br />anyway there are alot of images of crawling through the mud<br />its like its world war three or something, and the guy is important<br />like military information or something<br />the last image that I have is us hiding higher up in a high at night and theres a river down below and before this we had been at some feast, like a wedding or celebration or something and then the boats carrying the bad men came<br />so we had to run and hide up higher<br />the last thing I remember is that the men down below were not asian, but the thing is that I feel like we were in asia somewhere, so maybe this was world war three....who knows....<br />they were carrying machine guns and had come prepared to kill<br />the fleeting feelings I remember right before waking is that I was calm, as if this was normal<br />as if being shot at meant nothing, like this was an everyday occurrence, which then makes me kind of sad.... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:20008 2009-10-27T10:56:15Z 2009-10-27T10:56:15Z hmm....I just figure out I have a guilty pleasure....<br />hahaha nah, its nothing over the top<br />just a guy, thats all<br />I know I may be pining after, hmmm....I should give him a name....<br />ok, I'll call him brit since he's from there<br />so yea, I know I may be pining after brit<br />but this guy makes me smile<br />I'll tell you the worst part of all of this<br />we barely know each other and I've only known him for a little over a week<br />we've only spoken on two days, the first was during architours<br />and the second today when I needed to print stuff<br />I mean we know each others names and a little bit<br />but otherwise thats it<br />I've never had full out proper conversation with him<br />plus he's my senior, he's year 4 and a singaporean so he's probably about 24 this year<br />but yea...hmm....he made this comment during our brief conversation<br />"I's trust you with my model"<br />now for an archi student that is really big because your model is your life<br />as in lets say your wrists or neck is slit, your last thought would be<br />"oh no don't get blood on my model"<br />and you'd most likely try to die in a way that nothing would disturb your work<br />so I mean....what implications does that comment hold?<br />I really have no clue......I mean I can swear that we have a connection of some sort, but just what kind? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:19712 2009-10-22T00:54:59Z 2009-10-22T00:54:59Z don't know what to do....<br />you haunt me in my dreams and in my waking hours till I'm in the throes of projects<br />those stressed moments are the only time you aren't there<br />where I can't feel you<br />where I can breath normally<br />I've spent another sleepless<br />wondering what you think of me<br />to a boy I've known for over two years<br />I think I love you, as david cassidy once sang<br />because why else do I long for your touch? long for you kiss?<br />I sit here crying like a helpless babe all because of you<br />all because you most likely love another, and can't even tell I exist<br />all because you broke up with your long term girlfriend<br />all because you fell in love with your rebound girl<br />all because you had your heart broken by both of them<br />all because you've most likely moved on and found someone else by the time I write this<br />all because I think I love you<br />all because you make me want to hold you tight and pick up the pieces they made<br />all because you are you urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:19520 2009-10-16T19:46:23Z 2009-10-16T19:46:23Z hahaha I got hair extension!!!!<br />so now I have a purple streak in my hair!!!!!!!!<br />lalala~~* my brother was like you should have done a more outstanding color<br />but then I was like, well its an extension and not my real hair so I can just easily change it!<br />but its so cool!!!!!<br />PURPLE!!!!!!! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:19370 2009-10-16T19:18:29Z 2009-10-16T19:18:29Z ......omg you'll never believe what happened at dinner on tuesday night....<br />so after monday night's amazing dream...<br />on tuesday I went home for dinner, its been quite a while since I've been back even though they're so close<br />and for some reason my father all of a sudden mentioned that I'd most likely marry a british person....<br />I mean this was only a couple hours after I'd woken up from my dream so I was like.....<br />wtf.....how in the world is that possible<br />and I mean it, he actually said I'd most likely marry someone british<br />he didn't say american, he didn't say singaporean, he didn't say chinese<br />he fucking said british....<br />how in the world is that even possible?<br />I mean my god.....I was like......<br />and that was all I could think about till of course I worked 13 hours straight to make it in time for my deadline on thursday and this is after 5 hours of dance practice....&gt;.&lt;" was so tired had dance from 8pm till 1am.....<br />I've sprained my ankle and back right now from such a long practice =_="<br />hahaha but anyway I still can't shake the reality of the dream<br />am I getting my hopes up?<br />is it to much to wish for??<br />I do like him...<br />but still we rarely talk except when he's back here.....<br />if I do go to the uk for my exchange in two years what do I do?<br />two years is a long ways off....<br />and he'll probably of found another girl...<br />damn his stupid rebound girl whom he fell in love with....<br />why did he have to do that....<br />it makes me feel like I have no chance because she was perfect<br />she was smart, funny, beautiful, independent...<br />everything I wish to aspire to be one day....<br />damn I want that dream to be a reality so bad....<br />I almost feel like bursting from the mixed emotions that have ravaged me since I met him<br />its been over two years since our strange duet began....<br />I'm pretty sure he initially thought of me as some dumb, naive child<br />but now I'm almost 100% certain he's surprised at how I've changed....<br />I hope he notices....<br />I want so much for him to notice.... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:18996 2009-10-13T09:24:34Z 2009-10-13T09:24:34Z omg I don't know how it happened, but it did<br />let me record this down as proof before I forget<br />so generally all the dreams I've ever had so far have come true<br />I mean it may be months or years later<br />but they've always come true for me<br />and the moment they happen you get that deja vu moment<br />so the dream I just had that I didn't want to wake up from<br />it was actually one of the most interesting and happiest I've ever had<br />you know the guy I was talking about that keeps pulling me both ways<br />well he's most likely gone back to the uk by this time, so I probably won't see him again till either around march or july next year<br />so anyway my dream....<br />it seems weird to me because he's never acted that way towards me<br />but still for some reason it made me incredibly happy<br />the exact events are hazy now<br />but the most important bit is this, I was with him<br />I mean in every way possible, we were attached and very very serious<br />the main thing I remember is that he never let go of my hand the whole time<br />and oddly it was he who kept pulling me towards him<br />but there was absolute bliss, like everything was fine with the world and nothing terrible could happen<br />he would jokingly tease me, then pull me in for a kiss<br />its hard to remember everything, but the most important bit is that I remember the feelings, and that we were most definitely in love, there was the giddy happiness, lounging in bed, the disbelief that we'd finally found each other.<br />I mean damn, I haven't ever felt the happiness I was feeling in that dream, it was so real, so tangible, I can still almost feel his hand in mine, still almost feel his arms around me<br />I'm really in deep shit now, because I will forever remember that moment and long for it for as long as I live<br />hahaha I may become some old spinster now with hundreds of cats<br />because I want that dream to be so damn real it almost hurts to breath<br />I don't know if this one dream will ever come true, all my others have so far, including this one I had about a dungeon, which was the fire and ice dragon roller coaster in orlando universal theaters<br />I want this one to be so damn real<br />so badly do I want this I don't think I could ever really truly look at any other guys ever again<br />damn that idiot for completing me and damn me for dreaming such an amazing dream<br />damn it all urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:18765 2009-10-11T16:40:44Z 2009-10-11T16:40:44Z Dai was nice enough to come back from australia to singapore for his one week break<br />so it was another awesome un night this year! hahaha we ate alot of food!<br />it was lovely to be back in the same atmosphere, even asuka admitted that it was nice<br />sigh my current site is pandan reservoir.....I can't count how many times I've visited the site....<br />its so ulu....<br />my program is inconspicuous details....<br />so I need to figure out how to frame....like I was thinking of either going with a bench/shelter style or a random-ish wall that offers shade and almost literal framing of little details.....<br />but I'm not totally pleased with either....oh well it shall be another sleepless night of trying to finish up sections and plans.....<br />though I really can't pick a specific area on the site quite yet....<br />ahhhhhhhhhh............<br />I want summer vacation back.........<br />sigh....<br />I want something good that'll just sweep me off my feet and make everything better<br />or not necessarily better, but just something that'll make me want to do more<br />something that will push me to be better....<br />though I haven't found it yet...<br />I'm not giving up hope urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:18675 2009-09-30T20:26:45Z 2009-09-30T20:26:45Z so....I have two major assignments due on friday and yet I can sit here and write....<br />yea this totally does not make sense, but nevermind<br />anyway I haven't posted anything much in a while<br />so I thought why not I'll be angsty and teenagery since I only have a few month left of it<br />so here goes....<br />the only thing thats remotely working out in my life is architecture<br />I have been asked hundreds of times in the last few months if I'm attached and its finally getting to me<br />my answer will always be no, but the fact that people bring it up make me feel like....crap<br />because they then go on and on about how they're attached and their friends who are attached.....<br />then of course they go into the, oh wait.....you don't have a girlfriend right?<br />cause your fb says....well....cause I think thats a girl....so I mean its fine if you prefer girls<br />sometimes having conversations with people is just plain annoying<br />I will state my honest answer here and now, I like guys, I really like guys<br />except for one girl.....who I would change the world for if I could....<br />honestly....I don't consider myself gay, because its only just her<br />the thing is that its not a physical attraction<br />its more like she's someone I could spend the rest of my life with<br />she makes me want to protect her and be there for her<br />and well I like her for just making me like her<br />obviously she has her down days, which then drag me down as well<br />but when she's really happy, I know its a cliche but I'm walking on sunshine<br />she makes me feel wonderful, invigorated and just glad to be alive<br />damn it....<br />I want to feel happy so damn bad<br />to just be fucking cheerful on both the inside and the out<br />and yes....I wish I didn't swear like a sailor....but I do<br />I've decided to just be plain honest with myself<br />of course my parents haven't got a clue<br />about both things I mean....<br />hahaha who the hell would tell my pious mother who looks on disapprovingly since I refuse to get involved in church, while I swear my father is losing his mind, now I don't mean his memory, but he just ranks about random things and mood swings up and down constantly<br />they are definitely people I can't tell<br />not to be mean but my father doesn't know shit about anything in my life<br />while my mother only knows the tip of the ice berg<br />I think the main issue is that they're getting old....<br />but then this makes me think damn I'm getting old...<br />damn.....I shouldn't be thinking that when I'm only turning 20..... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:18422 2009-09-11T16:29:03Z 2009-09-11T16:29:03Z I just felt like remembering this day 8 years ago<br />september 11th has just passed and all of a sudden it made me think back<br />that day was almost like any other except that the world stopped<br />or at least all the world turned their televisions to the news and watched with wide eyes as hundreds suffered and died<br />all because they worked in america in two iconic towers<br />at first for me it didn't seem like it had happened yet due to the time differences between singapore and america<br />but when I got to school, it was a completely different place<br />I was at SAS at that time<br />and so there was no school<br />instead we watched with wide eyes the news in every classroom on hundreds of television screens<br />knowing what was happening but not fully comprehending<br />I was 11, there are some things you just can't fully get at that age<br />there were moments of absolute silence throughout the day<br />not as many children played on the play ground except for the younger ones<br />I vaguely remember a candle service and many talked about those they had lost<br />I also remember the almost stories, of the people who had missed their flights<br />or their usual train to work, or accidentally sleeping in<br />the people who on any typical day shouldn't have survived but did<br />the one image I do remember most from that day was the clip of those who jumped out of the buildings "trying" to survive.<br />that one video will stay with me my whole life and had completely changed my view of suicide.<br />I've never met anyone directly linked to that day yet<br />but who knows, one day maybe and I don't know, I may just go up to them and give them a hug urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:17970 2009-08-11T17:09:35Z 2009-08-11T17:09:35Z as the title suggests I'm really fucked up<br />like seriously to no end<br />I think I've dug my own grave.....<br />omg....<br />like I just got back from a friends gig<br />and well like first we took his parents home<br />cause he finished around almost 12 midnight<br />then he invited me to a poker game, so I said yes, cause they were lacking people<br />but when we got there there were like 8 guys, and he was afraid for me cause he said some of them are like dicks etc. <br />so he took me to near tanglin mall so I could catch a cab....anyway at his gig, was his family and some family friends basically, I was kind of his only friend from school days there......it was weird cause while he sang I was talking to his parent's friends....yea.....<br />so now I truly believe I'm fucked up because I did over drink a little, and I'm sure my exhaustion and not eating much lately probably didn't help<br />so I know I was tipsy at his gig, but I think no one noticed, cause I didn't turn red....<br />but yea.....shit....this stupid guy....<br />he's been pulling me both ways for about 7 months now<br />like sometimes he totally burns me by saying "you don't know me"<br />but then other times he just randomly out of the blue invites me to gigs or just calls me at like 1am to borrow something....<br />I'm seriously at the end of my tether....I don't know what he wants from me....<br />he's been telling me for months to go sleep with someone, but then I've been saying no...<br />then a few weeks ago the realization hit me....<br />if there was anyone I'd like to sleep with its him....<br />this is why I'm messed up and he's turned my world topsy turvy.....<br />he was someone I was well not exactly disgusted by but well....he's not generally someone I'd choose as a friend.....<br />and then he just kind of stuck around.....every time I thought I was over his feats of idioticy he always rings me up or texts me......<br />I'm stuck on this repeat cycle.....I honestly have no clue what to do.....<br />cause right now I'm still tipsy and wish to burst into tears.....<br />sometimes he makes me feel like shit but other times he makes me feel like gold.......<br />ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh<br />I need to be released......and soon......... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:17852 2009-07-19T17:56:15Z 2009-07-19T17:56:15Z ahhhhhh found this awesome singer on utube who does covers plus writes his own music!<br />I love his midnight angels song (^_^)<br />anyway prefab foc is over, was fun! I was an orientation group leader!<br />lalala~~* there was one girl in my group from my secondary school and in the class next door<br />so it was fun but now I'm her senior, hahaha so weird<br />oh I fell down!<br />hahaha like really bad that I sprained both my wrists and then had bloody cuts on my palm and knee<br />the pain was totally worth our fight to come in second for amazing race!<br />oh my og was so into everything! like we had a talent show on the last night and they decided to do a dance and they practiced the night before for 8 hours, from like 7pm till 3am, quite cute!<br />oh evil evil sean was mean to me!<br />he kept making fat jokes which is not cool!<br />todays paintball got postponed to next weekend<br />then worked on rag till midnight<br />lalala~~*<br />back in hall again this year<br />oh and then I'm an orientation group leader for my halls foc!<br />shall be fun I think, torturing the freshies!<br />well not really torturing<br />my archi og said I was like their mother even though I was younger then the guys<br />oh well!<br />oh which reminds me!!!<br />kelly my rock climbing coach is in the process of trying to have kids!!!<br />so we're all excited cause then we can babysit!!!!!!<br />lalala~~*<br />oh yea thailand for another year of rock climbing was awesome!!!!!!<br />I really miss the hippie vibe there<br />and I still have not managed to convince my parents that dreadlocks would be good for me.....<br />meh evil father keeps saying no<br />oh I've started trying to learn poi!<br />the thai fire dance!<br />quite cool!<br />though I'm sure there will be no time once school properly starts<br />evil anna won't be back to singapore till after school starts<br />and no one has heard from nyssa<br />hmmmm.......<br />nothing else to report I don't think?<br />oh I'm going to japan again in december since my cousin has a skating competition there then!<br />so quite excited<br />oh and we have tickets to the OLYMPICS!!!!!!<br />very very excited!!!!<br />we have for both short and long program<br />so next year during chinese new year we're going to vancouver!!!<br />lalala~~* all the tickets are bought for the plane and everything<br />EXCITED!!!!<br />oh oh we've all managed to convince hitomi she needs to dump the soccer player, since they aren't really together and he still has a girlfriend in japan<br />even though they really like each other, he isn't really the most stable person<br />cause her biggest fear is that he could so easily cheat on her when she goes back to uny like he is on his current girlfriend with her that she won't commit even though he's asked her to be official with her<br />but anyway she may then instead officially go out with another soccer player from the team who just broke up with his "weird" girlfriend and is totally hitting on hitomi<br />so poor her, sigh she's getting all the guys<br />hahaha but its always been like this so who am I to complain???<br />meh I just wish I was a guy cause then we'd be together and I'd never let her cry or worry like some of her ex's and current love interests<br />its so infuriating cause I would give the world to her if possible<br />she's just so dear to me<br />that I would figure out a way to wipe out the male race so she never has to worry about them....<br />ok this has just turned into ramblings now......<br />meh I shall leave this jumbled mess of thoughts to dissect another time..... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:17662 2009-06-25T17:54:40Z 2009-06-25T17:54:40Z dude I heard that the other day and like its deep<br />anyway got back from the states on tuesday morning at like 1am<br />was gone for about a month<br />twas fun! seeing my cousin graduate from high school<br />also meeting my oldest cousins fiance, she'll be the first to get married at the end of this year, though I think she's been together with kent for about 6 years or so, but yea its fun<br />saw alot alot of cousins, pretty cool<br />nothing really important happened over the holidays except I have my drivers permit now<br />so I can drive if there's someone with a license in the car<br /><br />oh hitomi kind of basically had an emotional breakdown<br />so now she's back in singapore for the rest of the year, <br />she's transferring to monash's melbourne branch since before she was in gibslan, <br />which apparently is just crap<br />so yep<br />she's seeing a hypnotherapist and she's also having some quantum therapy done<br />though she's thinking of transferring to nus, so I'm kind of happy<br />though not about her breakdown<br />which has to do mainly with guys and some random allergic reactions and other stresses<br />basically she's like all guys suck cause they just want to sleep with her by pretending to be friends first and then totally hitting on her and feeling her up all the time, so even though she has found someone she totally connects with and I'm pretty sure to a certain degree so far she actually might love him, but because of bad experiences with the idiotic male race she doesn't want to commit<br />the age difference means nothing, cause from the stories she tells me he's amazing<br />I think theres maybe 10 years separating them, which may explain why she gets along with cause he's quite older, but he's good for her. really good, he takes care of her and knows everything about her, somehow she is just able to pour her heart out to him like me, so she's happy to just talk to him<br />though she's very self conscious about the rest of the japanese society in singapore cause apparently withing their circles he's quite famous and everyone keeps staring at them cause they have an intimate relationship that no one really knows about, but obviously they're kind of obvious that they're sort of together in some way. so basically all of the guy's fans if they find out will apparently like hunt her down, and alot of the older women are starting to be scarier to her and some won't talk to her<br /><br />oh something I found out that totally blows my mind, and no one can ever know is that ava<br />I'm not sure if anyone remembers her, but sweet innocent ava, the "little girl" who is pretty fluent in japanese, grew up in california and stayed in the boarding house for a semester while she waited for the rest of her family to come <br />the thing is that she actually slept with her boyfriend of one month who she apparently cares nothing for and doesn't even really know him besides his name and what he's studying<br />thats slightly scary, cause then saya said to her "if you don't care about him or even bother to get to know him why sleep with him??? this just means you can sleep with the next one and the one after that!" while she also basically stated to ava which this is what pissed ava off is that basically she's a whore if she can sleep with someone who's practically a stranger<br /><br />I don't know dude....uny has messed up alot of people....saya sleeping with her boyfriend and just non-stop partying where she basically failed the first year of university but managed to barely pass cause she could get credit from her IB classes....daiki, who's now your typical jap boy who's vain and doesn't care anymore about miki the love of his life, they're perfect for each other if you've seen them and he's basically throwing her out the window now.....and omg....so many more<br /><br />their sad stories of messing up their futures urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:17154 2009-05-20T19:23:55Z 2009-05-20T19:23:55Z hahaha bintan was awesome!!!!!!!<br />I SAW JELLYFISH AND DOLPHINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br />yea while we were sailing the catamaran we ran into both!!! it was awesome!!<br />so anyway nana and I took turns steering and all since we were the only two with any experience<br />but anyway it was fun<br />we woke up whenever, played in the pool had smoothies<br />junk food, just a great time!<br />so anyway we've decided that it will be an annual trip as well!!!!<br />lalala~~*<br /><br />so anyway I leave for the states tomorrow!!!<br />I'm excited!!!! I'm going home!!!<br />my cousin's high school graduation is this weekend so I'm excited!!<br />especially since he's going to university<br />on my mothers side of the family she has the highest degree with a masters<br />anyone who went only did a bachelors<br />and I mean this is my mothers entire side of the family like distant cousins and everyone<br />its actually a big deal to go to uny so yea!!!!<br />then we're going to be in san francisco for a bit to see my dads side of the family who we haven't seen in almost 5 years!!!!<br />like so long!!!!!!!<br />plus I promise to get my drivers license this summer!!!!<br /><br />oh anyway was at the airport today till a little after midnight, so like 3 hours ago<br />cause we were sending anna off to go back to switzerland to see her family<br />so nyssa(archi), dai(uwc), mary(anna's sister), allan(eusoff) and me went!!<br />so yea cause allan and anna have a thing for each other<br />the other 4 of us were like hiding to give them alone time together<br />but apparently anna didn't have "the TALK" with him so meh....<br />their relationship will never bear fruit.....<br />which then made us sad, but glad cause allan is still indecisive so anna holds him at arms length<br />cause when she was leaving he was totally going to give her a hug but she kind of didn't walk into his arms...so it was quite frustrating for us to watch and be like "NOOOOOO" meh meh meh<br />but anyway afterwards we all sat and like talked for 4 hours!!! hahaha<br /><br />(GRUESOME IMPORTANT BIT)<br />we just talked about random stuff and then we discussed mary's problem<br />of her creepy stalker ex<br />who no seriously is being bad<br />they broke up before their graduation but she rescinded cause he guilted her into it so that he wouldn't be "alone" for graduation which then made us all go like =_="<br />hahaha anyway so then they broke up which she did because the guy is quite creepy!!!<br />he's like the jock that controlled the school type person who manipulates everyone behind the scene but puts up a "good boy" front so no one suspects him<br />so the entire school adores him, but he always picks fights and beats up people<br />so anyway all of mary's guy friends stopped talking to her or meeting her or anything because he must have threatened them or something because there just isn't any other explanation<br />she said her ex kind of liked glared at the guys<br />so anyway she also didn't really like him but only agreed to go out with him because he seemed cool till she found out about his creepyness<br />so at first the ex was ok with it all and they parted mutually so she went back to switzerland<br />anyway though while she was away her ex apparently started attending her church so that when she came back to singapore she couldn't tell him to get lost<br />cause now he also controls her cell group such that they are all turning against her and are actually trying to convince her to get back with him<br />and she's like no because I don't like him and they actually blame her for the breakup but she really didn't like the guy, she never wanted to hold his hand or anything which just pissed him off even more<br />so anyway now that he knows she's back in singapore for a bit he's been stalking her such as just randomly appearing at her house and then keeps trying to get the cell to meet at her house etc. just anything so that he can try and talk to her<br />when you hear her talk about it the guy really creeps you out<br />but anyway the thing is that no one believes her that this guy is totally not a good person because in front of everyone he acts the part of a saint<br />so anyway now he's using church as a way to threaten her such that she doesn't go anymore but to her friends churches<br />she's told this guy no a million times but he's still chasing her even though he's reassured her that he only just wants to be friends with her, though she's totally not comfortable with him<br />anyway its to the point now where she's even afraid for her life, that this guy will come after her and beat her up or something, cause she said he's threatened her....<br />but still no one believes her except us now, which is allan, nyssa, dai and me and well obviously her sister anna<br />I mean if I wasn't leaving tomorrow I would totally find this guy and just beat him up if I could<br />to go to the point of possibly causing domestics violence is just totally unacceptable<br />he's apparently in ocs right now, so I thought that kind of person would have more morals then this<br />no offense to those who have to go through ns but this guy just makes you all look bad<br />if he's willing to use religion to get his way and beat up girls I WOULD NEVER EVER trust him in the army to save my life<br />actually after this I WOULD NEVER trust the army to protect me if alot of their people are like this<br />I would rather rely on my own self defense or just die<br />I mean not to be harsh but the trust is broken here urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:17129 2009-05-07T18:09:13Z 2009-05-07T18:09:13Z ahhhhhhh cute guy!!!!!<br />hahaha he was nice and sweet plus cute!!!<br />I met him today at the fitting at newurbanmale<br />he was fun and made my boring task of just being there more fun!<br />we had this whole discussion which ended up with him highly emphasizing that he wasn't gay<br />and I have no idea, but maybe he was trying a pick up line? hahaha not that I mind<br />but anyway so apparently newurbanmale has some signature style of shirt<br />that has this really long strap at the back so that you can take off the shirt and sling it over your shoulder<br />so anyway I asked him its uses, so he told me the normal and then he talked about this one<br />where like if you were wearing this shirt while dancing you could place it around the girl you were dancing with<br />oh just so you know I'd never been in a newurbanmale store before, only vaguely heard of it<br />so yea it was interesting to talk to him...hmm....<br />though on hindsight I realize that maybe I talked more about myself then he did<br />though he did talk about the store and its clothing more then any talking I did<br />he's been working there 2 years, but yea, he was fun!!<br />hahaha<br />hopefully when I go to pick up the order tomorrow I'll get to see him<br />lalala~~*<br />ahhh why do I put myself up for disappointment.....<br />I'm pretty certain this is all in my head but it feels nice to just maybe be wanted....<br />so anyway I'm working on the envelopes that are our door gifts....<br />meh theres 250 envelopes which I have to all draw lines on<br />and then still stamp them all with D&D'09 Time & Again.....<br />so far I'm 1/5th through and its taken me like 2 hours......not cool<br />oh for D&D I've got this black dress which I think is nice and suits me so I'm happy!!<br />my other choice was to wear a yukata!<br />lalala~~* though nigel did say nothing weird since we're the main comm we all have to wear formal black..... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:16714 2009-04-28T18:59:33Z 2009-04-28T18:59:33Z Come on , yeah!<br /><br />Well it's been seven years since that summer<br />Why'd you call me at all 'cause I'm with her now<br />You know you were hard to get over<br />I finally forgot our first time somehow<br /><br />Hey<br />Don't bring it all back to me<br />Hey<br />I know this is hard to see<br /><br />You know, that summer we smoked in the sun<br />You know, it's only because we were young<br />And we promised to always remember<br />That we'd wind up together forever<br />But looking back we sure had some fun<br />A summer lost in the sun<br /><br />No I don't think it's right that I see you<br />I'm tempted but taken I'm with her now<br />Just get over me baby you need to<br />If you don't we'll end up in a mess somehow<br /><br />Hey<br />Don't bring it all back to me<br />Hey<br />I know this is hard to see<br /><br />You know, that summer we smoked in the sun<br />You know, it's only because we were young<br />And we promised to always remember<br />That we'd wind up together forever<br />You know after all that was said it was done<br />You know we believed it because we were young<br />And we promised to always remember<br />That we'd wind up together forever<br />Lookin' back we sure had some fun<br />Summer lost in the sun<br /><br />I'm going under getting over you<br />I fooled myself by thinking we were through<br /><br />You know that summer was smoked in the sun<br />You know it's only because we were young<br />And we promised to always remember<br />That we'd wind up together forever<br />You know after all that was said it was done<br />You know we believed it because we were young<br />And we promised to always remember<br />That we'd wind up together forever<br /><br />Well, it's been seven years since that summer<br />Why'd you call me at all 'cause I'm with her now<br />You know you were hard to get over<br />But I finally forgot our first time somehow<br /><br />Lookin' back we sure had some fun<br />Summer lost in the sun<br /><br />Oh yeah.. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:16423 2009-04-23T18:57:46Z 2009-04-23T18:57:46Z ahhhhhh finals.....<br />next week.....no!!!!!!!<br />hahaha well I'm currently trying to finish up my portfolio...<br />sadly I'm being distracted by many things &gt;.&lt;"<br />one of them being Tommy's new song!!!!!<br />its totally awesome and titled "Vertigo"<br />its almost impossible to believe I'll be in my second year soon...<br />ahhhhhh where did the time fly????<br />which reminds me!!!<br />I rediscovered something from my secondary school days<br />Xian Jian Qi Xia Chuan!!!!!!!!!!<br />hahaha or rather known as Chinese Paladin!!!<br />hahaha I use to find the show oddly hilarious and I loved it, I would make sure I was home in time everyday to watch<br />which reminds me urgh I had an allergic reaction to something over the last week<br />absolutely horrible, but no clue what it is -_-" lol<br />oh well, hahaha I realize I mainly ramble, lalala~~*<br />rambling is fun!!!<br />the new microsoft word is fun to play with!!! the docx one!!! its got fun new features that are distracting!!! hahaha I just realized that everything is distracting when I should be studying....hmmm....<br />oh well!!!! oh oh summer plans!!! sailing in bintan in may, then back to the states for a month and of course our annual rock climbing trip to krabi!!! oh plus tommy and his brother charlie are coming this time round!!!!! so excited!!!!!! except sad that jonathan can't make it....he'll be the only one...<br />oh which also reminds me that I'm going to be very sad with the current grade 12s leaving &gt;_&lt;"<br />its totally not cool cause then I'll be left alone again.....and no one wants to come to NUS....meh...<br />plus my primary and secondary class mates will be joining NUS next year<br />but talked to some and most don't want to stay here =_=" not fun....not fun....I want to see people I've known for a long time.....<br />ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......wait.........<br />secondary school........that was......4 years ago.......not cool!!!!!! hahaha it feels like a lifetime<br />I mean even this one year feels like 10 years....or wait....even longer!!!!!!<br />plus I'm sad.....hito-chan is in australia.......<br />sigh....and evil guys keep hitting on her even though she says no.....<br />ahhhhhhh I'm not there to protect her and help her....<br />meh.....I feel so....helpless....all I can do is write her e-mails to cheer her on and give her advice......<br />I want....I don't know....<br />I want to not be here.....at one point I wanted to live in europe....<br />but....I don't know....I can't imagine living somewhere other then singapore....<br />but I do want to go back to the states and maybe try it for a year or two....<br />I mean peoples big things were going to the city....but I want the country....<br />like maybe if my aunt really gets that job in texas and her family moves back there....<br />well....my grandparents house would be quite empty....<br />maybe they'd like me to come....it would be interesting....<br />a thought to chew for a few more years......<br />you know....I realized something....I will never be some world renowned architect....<br />I just don't have that spark....I may have a flare....but that is all....no spark that could start a new school of design....<br />I'm old fashioned...nooooo theres something wrong....why why why??? I stick with known forms and geometry and stupid bloody symmetry....I love victorian architecture as well as the prairie style...I love what has been and so thus am so caught up in what has been that I will never be able to create a to be....I am just standard....just average.....no one will ever "discover" me....I will never be featured nor seen.......<br />on one hand that disturbs me....but on the other it perversely pleases me.....to always be an unknown......maybe on the brink of making it....<br />but then what becomes of me??? my person??? hahaha I've known my whole life I would never marry....and no I'm being serious, some people know that they'll find the one while I am pretty certain I won't....my dream is unachievable....plus I totally lack social skills now with the whole living in studio thing....I've never dreamed of a wedding, while looking back at old diaries I discovered my future self I hoped to achieve was always alone....off doing something she loved<br />which I'm totally fine with, hahaha often my only companions were a horse and dog, how obscured yet true my ideas were....even now...when I think of where I will live and how....it is alone, I realize that no...I could never handle another person, as immature as it may seem its true....I hate other people's messes yet feel the urge to clean it up myself.....my room will be a messy chaos but the rest will be kept in strict order....I can cook and clean for one......yes....I will be alone, but I fear not what that holds, I'll play my music loud, dance till it doesn't make sense and just...be...me...<br />ahhhhhh anyone who use to know me have admitted I'm completely changed except for my cheerful outlook.....my mother is amazed at what has happened....<br />apparently my writing style has drastically matured.....odd.....one would think life would remain....unchanging unknown<br />hahaha my rambles oh well....I leave you with this I learned from a fine friend<br /><br />"I put my hands around my head on the bus on my way home...god! the terrible feeling. I felt....the size of my consciousness. No bigger than which my hands encompassed. How insignificant! How...easy to destroy! How worthless were each and every other man's mind, that were on the bus as well." urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:16233 2009-04-13T19:03:25Z 2009-04-13T19:03:25Z hahaha there must be something wrong with me, my research paper is due in a little over 12 hours but I've totally not started writing it...hmm....<br />oh well....<br />wednesday is climate response presentation...shit....I wonder what my groups done, though our report I think kicked ass!!<br />hahaha hmmm thursday is the second re-do of our one week sketch....<br />oh and friday is archi construction project from our one week sketch due...<br />so last week of school of my first year is busy<br />but interesting as architecture of course rules your whole life that we even have an assignment due during the exam period just because erwin felt like it....................<br />evil I tell you, evil........<br />hahaha the endless days of sleeplessness are totally awesome though<br />I mean like youtube what archi students do when bored and its totally hilarious!!<br />oh when in doubt just dance!<br />who cares whos watching but its so much fun!!! <br />oh I may be moving home next year, but nothing confirmed<br />my father went and pulled some strings to see if I could stay in hall again next year<br />cause I have 45 CCA points but the cutoff this year was 51 =_="<br />totally not cool, especially after nyssa was totally ripping at me about it<br />meh, so he pulled strings cause he felt so sorry for me that it sounds like I will be able to stay next year<br />hahaha he must be god or something, oh well!<br />mergh....archi is hard but I still love it...hmmm a B- average I guess is ok....right?<br />hahaha its first year where you got to get use to stuff....<br />lalala~~* oh I HATE cross faculty modules with a vengence!!!!!<br />its not cool, I swear they think archi students have alot of free time or something....not cool<br />anyway I shall go try and work on my research paper....meh....meh....meh.... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:15913 2009-03-25T14:38:36Z 2009-03-25T14:38:36Z so how to begin after a months long hiatus...<br />well...lots of projects due, many weeks without sleep...<br />hahaha that pretty much sums it all up except for somethings I've learned<br />you know your friends from secondary school<br />where you swear you guys will never change...<br />well one of us apparently drastically changed...<br />up to the point where she has a 'sugar daddy' now...<br />then she just disappeared for a week to the uk a month back or so...<br />I mean..this person...she was crazy happy go lucky, never the one we thought to become something else<br />its...almost painful...to see her throw herself away like this...<br />I mean....getting involved with drugs...<br />its just not her...<br />she was an anti-drug advocate....<br />like..what happens??<br />I mean I know shit happens...but never to this extent where you'd sleep around for money......<br />its like.....<br />breaking my heart.....<br />I've known this girl since we were 12....how can this happen...<br />I'm losing another one...to this...I don't know...<br />this force that turns them away... urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:15833 2009-02-19T11:07:25Z 2009-02-19T11:07:25Z *My house is shabby, but it is comfortable*<br /> <br /> By Lee Wei Ling<br /><br />In 2007, in an end-of-year message to the staff of the National Neuroscience Institute, I wrote: 'Whilst boom time in the public sector is never as booming as in the private sector, let us not forget that boom time is eventually followed by slump time. Slump time in the public sector is always less painful compared to the private sector.'<br /> <br />Slump time has arrived with a bang.<br /> <br />While I worry about the poorer Singaporeans who will be hit hard, perhaps this recession has come at an opportune time for many of us. It will give us an incentive to reconsider our priorities in life. Decades of the good life have made us soft. The wealthy especially, but also the middle class in Singapore , have had it so good for so long, what they once considered luxuries, they now think of as necessities.<br /> <br />A mobile phone, for instance, is now a statement about who you are, not just a piece of equipment for communication. Hence many people buy the latest model though their existing mobile phones are still in perfect working order. A Mercedes-Benz is no longer adequate as a status symbol. For millionaires who wish to show the world they have taste, a Ferrari or a Porsche is deemed more appropriate.<br /> <br />The same attitude influences the choice of attire and accessories. I still find it hard to believe that there are people carrying handbags that cost more than thrice the monthly income of a bus driver, and many more times that of the foreign worker labouring in the hot sun, risking his life to construct luxury condominiums he will never have a chance to live in. The media encourages and amplifies this ostentatious consumption. Perhaps it is good to encourage people to spend more because this will prevent the recession from getting worse. I am not an economist,but wasn't that the root cause of the current crisis - Americans spending more than they could afford to?<br /> <br />I am not a particularly spiritual person. I don't believe in the supernatural and I don't think I have a soul that will survive my death. But as I view the crass materialism around me, I am reminded of what my mother once told me: 'Suffering and deprivation is good for the soul.' My family is not poor, but we have been brought up to be frugal. My parents and I live in the same house that my paternal grandparents and their children moved into after World War II in 1945. It is a big house by today's standards, but it is simple - in fact, almost to the point of being shabby. Those who see it for the first time are astonished that Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew's home is so humble. But it is a comfortable house, a home we have got used to. Though it does look shabby compared to the new mansions on our street, we are not bothered by the comparison.<br /> <br />Most of the world and much of Singapore will lament the economic downturn. We have been told to tighten our belts. There will undoubtedly be suffering, which we must try our best to ameliorate. But I personally think the hard times will hold a timely lesson for many Singaporeans, especially those born after 1970 who have never lived through difficult times.<br /> <br />No matter how poor you are in Singapore , the authorities and social groups do try to ensure you have shelter and food. Nobody starves in Singapore .. Many of those who are currently living in mansions and enjoying a luxurious lifestyle will probably still be able to do so, even if they might have to downgrade from wines costing $20,000 a bottle to $10,000 a bottle. They would hardly notice the difference.<br /> <br />Being wealthy is not a sin. It cannot be in a capitalist market economy. Enjoying the fruits of one's own labour is one's prerogative and I have no right to chastise those who choose to live luxuriously. But if one is blinded by materialism, there would be no end to wanting and hankering. After the Ferrari, what next? An Aston Martin? After the Hermes Birkin handbag, what can one upgrade to? Neither an Aston Martin nor an Hermes Birkin can make us truly happy or contented. They are like dust, a fog obscuring the true meaning of life, and can be blown away in the twinkling of an eye.<br /> <br />When the end approaches and we look back on our lives, will we regret the latest mobile phone or luxury car that we did not acquire? Or would we prefer to die at peace with ourselves, knowing that we have lived lives filled with love, friendship and goodwill, that we have helped some of our fellow voyagers along the way and that we have tried our best to leave this world a slightly better place than how we found it?<br /> <br />We know which is the correct choice - and it is within our power to make that choice.<br /> <br />In this new year, burdened as it is with the problems of the year that has just ended, let us again try to choose wisely. To a considerable degree, our happiness is within our own control, and we should not follow the herd blindly.<br /> <br /> *The writer is director of the National Neuroscience<br /> Institute. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:15439 2009-02-18T19:07:17Z 2009-02-18T19:07:17Z hahaha final crit is over and it feels like the world is floating!!<br />two weeks of almost no sleep and I'm done<br />plus having a 24 hour sketching exercise on my birthday isn't that great but oh well<br />IT'S ALL OVER!!!!!!!<br />of course until the next big project which right now is planning studio trip to penang next week<br />=_=" not fun....<br />stupid people and money.....<br />on a happier note I'm still so totally absolutely in love with Eiji Wentz!!!!!<br />hahaha he makes my world go round, but the chance of ever ever meeting my idol are nil<br />thats why I know I won't be let down, so even though he's unattainable I still like him!<br />ahhhhhhhhhhh he's so adorable, plus the nice thing is that he's half japanese half german american<br />so I guess he knows what its like to be half<br />hahahaha I could definitely drown in this happiness<br />he's existed in my universe since june...sigh...<br />I shall go have lovely dreams about him now!!!<br />lalala~~* urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:15161 2009-02-04T16:21:13Z 2009-02-04T16:21:13Z ok you have no idea how pissed you just got me!! <br />Besides when I did have time in a past life I read what others have said, not everyone comments abouts the news, people talk about their life, so I’m talking about mine!!!!<br />You try being me, my uncle just passed away during christmas!!!!!!!! I couldn't even get to say goodbye!!!!!!! <br />My grandfather is in ailing health, he'll only live for a few more years. <br />Many of my other relatives aren’t doing that well either, alzheimers has set in for some, others WW2 injuries are finally catching up or Vietnam and Korean war injuries as well<br />My family is in iraq even, you tell me!!! Where was your family in all of this????<br />Besides on top of that you try living up to such high expectations!!!!!!!!!! <br />MY COUSIN IS GOING TO THE OLYMPICS!!!!!!!!! <br />For fucking sake you try to be as amazing as that!!!!!! Just fucking bloody try, do your cousins go to Berkeley??? Standford??? Do you have medical doctors in the family????? Do you have cousins that are in charge of Dior for asia?????? Do you???????<br />Don’t realize what your saying??????<br />My world is far from perfect, I never did bloody live in a perfect world!!!!<br />Do you want the raw honest truth??????<br />My father abused me growing up, you try having hard back books thrown at you!!!<br />Or even being hit with a bloody vacuum cleaner!!! For God’s sake, just look at what your saying!!!!!<br />I’m really at the end of my tether right now, I haven’t slept since Saturday and its Wednesday now, you go do big projects that never end because there is NEVER a right answer!!!!!!!<br />You should talk to all my friends, they’ve given up asking me out because I NEVER EVER have time to do anything but architecture!!!!! So fuck you!!!!!<br />At least my other friends are more understanding, then this shit you give me.<br />You ask me if I know whats happening to the others, well I do, but only if they talk about it on lj, I know, oh boy do I know<br />As for being self centered, so what?? Every human being is out only for themselves, at least I’m not, I stay up with friends that are doing their work even if I’m done so they’re never alone, I let people copy my work, so that just maybe they can finish faster<br />As for me making other peoples lives shit, how is that possible? Since apparently no one else cares about what I’m up to then how could I EVER possibly effect their lives??? Fucking tell me that, your arguments are flawed and full of loop holes, even in my current shape I can beat you down, you don’t know what I’ve become, so ha<br />As for growing up, I’ve done plenty of that, more then you I’m most certain of<br />hahaha take any meaning of that that you want, it holds many things you've never done urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:ngpoet:14878 2009-02-03T14:26:37Z 2009-02-03T14:26:37Z so now, what now<br />I sit here<br />for some reason I feel like crying<br />maybe just to feel better<br />to let out pent feelings<br />I want something<br />I need something<br />sigh I get distracted way to easily, I need more concentration<br />theres so much work...but yet...I'm not having that frustrated feeling<br />I'm just...doodling on my computer and stuff<br />hmm....something must be wrong...